Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software, severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower, and jewelry applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as DinnerDancing 7.5, CruiseShip 2.3, and OperaNight 6.1 and installs new, undesirable programs such as PokerNight 1.3, SaturdayFootball 5.0, Golf 2.4 and ClutterEverywhere 4.5.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and invariably crashes the system. Under no circumstances will it run Diaper-Changing 14.1 or HouseCleaning 2.6. I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix Husband 1.0, but this all purpose utility is of limited effectiveness. Can you help please?!

Jane

 

Dear Jane:

This is a very common problem women complain about, but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT package.

However, Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by its creator to run as few applications as possible. Further, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0, because Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this.

Hidden operating files within your system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system, once installed. Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I would suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). This is a wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent company as an integral part of the operating system. Husband 1.0 must assume ALL responsibility for ALL faults and problems, regardless of root cause. To activate this great feature enter the command “C:I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME”

Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while entering the command. Husband 1.0 should then run the applications Apologize 12.3 and Flowers/Chocolates 7.8. TECH TIP! Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse can create additional and more serious GPFs, and ultimately YOU may have to give a C:APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal operations. Overuse can also cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, or worse yet, Beer 6.0.

Beer 6.0 is a very bad program that causes Husband 1.0 to create FatBelly files and SnoringLoudly wave files that are very hard to delete. Save yourself some trouble by following this tech tip!

Just remember, the system will run smoothly and take the blame for all GPFs, but because of this fine feature it can only intermittently run all the applications Boyfriend 5.0 ran. Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.

Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Patience 10.1. Used in conjunction, these utilities can really help keep Husband 1.0 running smoothly. After several years of use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar and you will find many valuable embedded features such as FixesBrokenThings 2.1, Snuggling 4.2 and BestFriend 7.6.

A final word of caution! Do NOT, under any circumstances, install MotherInLaw 1.0. This is not a supported application, and will cause selective shut down of the operating system. Husband 1.0 will run only Fishing 9.4 and Hunting 5.2 or Golfing 2.3 until MotherInLaw 1.0 is uninstalled.

I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to install Husband 1.0 and we here at Tech Support wish you the best of luck in coming years. “We trust you will learn to fully enjoy this product!

Check out those man-boobs!!!!

Great stuff!

Seems God was just about done creating the Universe, but he had two extra things left in his bag of creations, so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve.

He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating. “It’s a handy thing,” God told the couple, “I was wondering if either of you wanted that very ability.”

Adam jumped up and blurted, “Oh, give that to me! I’d love to be able to do that! It seems a sort of thing a man should do. Oh please, oh please, oh please, let me have that ability. It’d be so great! When I’m working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there and let it fly. It’d be so cool, I could write my name in the sand. Oh please, God, let it be me who you give that gift to, let me stand and pee, oh please…” On and on he went like an excited little boy who had to pee.

Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, that he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make him happy, and she really wouldn’t mind if Adam were the one given this ability.

And so Adam was given the ability to urinate while in a vertical position. He was happy and did celebrate by wetting down the bark on the tree nearest him, laughing with delight all the while.

“Fine,” God said looking back into his bag of leftovers, “What’s left here? Oh yes, multiple orgasms…”

I would love to report that Box had been great for the last 2 days. But sadly noooo….

On Monday, when we brought him out for a walk cum pee/poo session, he spotted a part of a wooden plank. He pounced on it as if it was a giant dog bone. Seeing how the wood had a rusty nail poking out of one end, we frantically tried to pry it out of his mouth. But it was like trying to coax a lion to give up its prey.

星星 shouted at him. (First time i’ve seen him so fierce. Abit scary!) I shouted at him. We tried to talk nicely to him.

But nothing worked! We were really starting to panic…

Then, 星星 spotted a chance and snatched it away from him. That really riled him up. He started to jump around and to bite his leash, seemingly to bite 星星 too. It was a long time before we could get him to calm down.

On Tuesday morning, when we were about to leave the house, we realised that the house keys were missing. This was bad because there was a highly possible chance that we had left the keys hanging at the door. (It happened the night before)

Alth0ugh we left for work, I eventually took PM leave to come back and try to search for the keys. The guilt was weighing on my conscience because I can’t shake the feeling that I was the one who left the keys at the door.

Luckily, I found the keys without much hassle. They were with the leash, which were on top of the fridge! “Somebody must have put them there… Somebody… Dunno who…” *Coughs*

So, I had the rest of the afternoon off to rest and was intending to catch a quick nap in the cool comfort of the air-conditioned room. But, for some strange reason, Box was very “sticky”. He kept on pawing at the door and whining. Had no choice but to go to the living room and keep him company.

Maybe he’s scared that we’ll abandon him… Poor Box….

Anyways, I was telling my “Box” stories to Linn and how Box is responding to the commands. And she commented: “Hmm, you must be quite fierce to it.”

Am I? Thinking back.. probably ba… Heh heh…

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Wow… Almost 3 days have passed.

I have to say that we are doing quite well! Box is being fed and we’ve brought him down to pee/poo.  We’ve even managed to sneak in abit of exercise for Box by bringing him to a nearby park.

In a way, I feel like a new parent, having to take care of a big baby. We not only have to take care of his basic needs but also his emotional well-being. Just like a baby, he needs frequent attention and someone to basically sayang him.

Every small victory gets us super excited. I still remember 星星’s expression when Box finally poo-ed for the first time we brought him down. LOL. Ecstatic thumbs-up! Every small poo is a giant leap for the dogkind!

It’s not been easy though. He still has the nasty and annoying habit of peeing around randomly when someone comes into the house. Why must he always do that?? Went to do some research online and found out that he’s either suffering from anxiety or he feels insecure. To break this irritating habit, we can distract him by using a shaker bottle (plastic bottle with coins/pebbles inside). Supposedly, we catch him just before he has any “action” and thus preventing it from happening. With consistent effort, hopefully, he’ll get rid of the habit.

In theory, the advice makes alot of sense. But in reality, it’s damn hard to do because Box pees almost immediately when we’re at the door. We can’t get to him fast enough to prevent the inevitable. But i guess we’ll have to try, otherwise we’ll have to commit ourselves to the fate of having to mop up pee every day!

Having said that, we did have some success in training him how to “sit”. He used to love lording over everybody by rushing to be the first out of the house, out of the lift, etc. Now, we tell him to “sit” in the lift and wait for us to exit first. Similarly, we’ll get him to “sit” before letting him into the house.

Whenever he sits when we tell him to, we’ll heap tons of praises on him like he’s the Best Dog in the Whole Wide World. I think that works because he’s now responding better now.

Oh, did I tell you that I bought him a bone? Shall leave you to some photos of Box and his bone.

Straits Times, 3 June 2009

KINGSTON (Jamaica) – A POPULAR dance in Jamaica faces restriction by the government after being blamed for a spate of broken penises, said media reports on Wednesday.

The erotic dancy style known as ‘daggering’, features couples simulating dry sex in various positions to the beat of the music. The steps generally include extreme gyrating, heavy pelvis-thrusting and daredevil leaps.

According to media reports, couples have taken the dance moves to the bedroom with disastrous results.

The warning against the dance came from Jamaican doctors, prompted by being presented with a range of fractured penises caused by rough intercourse. The number of cases have tripled in the last year, the UK’s Sun reported.

Jamaica’s government, concerned about the dance’s growing popularity and public protests, has now banned ban songs and videos with blatantly sexual content, reported news.com.au.

Jamaica’s Broadcasting Commission, which defines daggering as a “colloquial term used in dancehall culture as a reference to hardcore sex or what is popularly referred to as ‘dry sex’ or the activities of persons engaged in the public simulation of various sexual acts and positions”, enforced the ban in February.

‘There shall not be transmitted through radio or television or cable services, any recording, live song or music video which promotes the act of ‘daggering’, or which makes reference to, or is otherwise suggestive of ‘daggering’,’ the Jamaican Broadcasting Commission’s official statement said.

According to The Sun, ‘daggering’ is just a new name for an older dance style that has existed for a number of years in the Jamaican dancehall music scene.

Jamaicans are apparently divided over the dance and the subsequent banning of the style – with some musicians saying it restricts free speech – but others support the government ban.

This all came about from an innocent request from 星星.

“Can I ask you for a favour?”

Of course I said yes.

Background
星星’s family are going on a road trip to Malaysia. And they have a family pet – A giant jack russel (weighing 20kg) called Box.

Problem
For a total of 5 days, no one will be looking after Box.

Solutions
1) Send Box to a Pet Hotel for $55 a night
2) Leave Box at home and task 星星 to take care of it.

Conclusion
Save money and opt for the second solution naturally!

The ever-resourceful 星星 immediately seeked help. Mine.

To brief us on the things to note, to do, not to do, 星妈 conducted a quick orientation for us:

- Take Box for his twice daily peeing & pooing at the grass patch downstairs.

- Feed him 1.5 bowls of Pedigree feed twice daily. Mix in 1/2 can of dog chow to up the Oyishii factor.

- Put water in his dog bowl and remind him to drink.

- Feed him his medicine twice daily. (He loves eating this so we need to hide it somewhere safe, otherwise he’ll gobble everything up given the chance.)

- When bringing him downstairs to pee/poo, need to bring his fave stuff toy to trick him into coming back. (Current fave toy = Winnie the Pooh in red anorak) We are supposed to dangle his toy and grab him by the collar when he comes close. Trust me… not easy, especially when said dog is 20 kg and thinks that you are playing hide and seek with him! LOL

Well, these are the updates for now… Tune in to check out our superior dog handling skills possible mishaps and cok-ups!

*If all else fails, just pray that Box don’t run off and go missing on us!

星星 has a whole nose of white heads. Period.

This requires major maintenance work!
I used to think that Biore pore packs are a waste of money because it didn’t work for me.

Well, I certainly take back my words now. Shall let the photos speak for themselves.

Warning: Not for the faint-hearted.

Real life example!

More White Heads!